From the Principal’s Desk
Dear Parents,
In our church’s Preaching Conference last week, several pastors taught about the ways society is turning away from God. The topic I covered was on parenting. Essentially, there are two approaches to child training: permissiveness and parenting. I hope these articles can help.
Pastor Sutton
Permissiveness vs. Parenting
The 1960s was home to turbulent times in the United States. Vietnam sparked numerous protests across the land as well as a great deal of destruction. The Beetles landed in North America and then went off the charts. At the end of the decade was Woodstock. Not much that entered the decade came out the same. Whether music, mini-skirts, illegal drugs, protests, or immorality, the common tie was an attack on authority. Who is going to be in charge? The sixties said “Me!” and this attitude affected parenting. The groupies of the 60s grew up to be parents of the 70s. Following that sequence, the “me” culture met the 80s. The rockers of the 80s became the relativists of the 90s and the 21st century. The mindsets we have come to believe as a society are “me first” and “no absolutes.” The relativism and moral decay of our culture has left its devastating imprint on parenting.
Mixing these two mindsets results in a disastrous formula for children because of how adults approach parenting. Essentially parents today desire to do what they want, and they disregard barriers that prevent themselves and their children from doing what they want. You see, who we are is how we parent; and what we believe is how we restrain. What comes out is permissiveness, not parenting, so much so that permissiveness characterizes the parenting style of our culture. Permissiveness results in apostasy—turning away from the truth.
Over the next several weeks, we will examine permissiveness in detail by considering what permissiveness looks like, where it came from , how it affects us, and how we change it. I would ask that each one of us consider as parents if we are being permissive with our children.
What Permissive Parenting Looks Like
A Profile of Permissive Parenting
All one has to do to get a sketch of permissive parenting is to look around at the way children behave today and the way parents deal with their children. Parents give warnings upon warnings, they justify misbehavior, they blame others for their children’s poor performance, they treat their children like prima donnas, they do not say no, and they rarely spank, if at all. They do, however, give time outs and try redirecting their child’s misbehavior. They react, but do not correct. They are more concerned with their child’s so called self-esteem than with his self-control. They focus on their child’s happiness. They reason with their child and try to understand his point of view. They protect their children from sadness, difficulty, and pressure. They talk of their child’s greatness and make him feel like he is the center of the universe. They want their children to like them. Their lives are wrapped up in their children, proven by their violation of Scripture in how they raise their children.
Permissiveness is child-centered parenting, not God-centered parenting. The irony is that permissive parents do not want to hear the truth about their children or about their parenting, neither do they take steps to correct their children according to the Bible.
Psychologists have categorized parenting styles into four groups—authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful. They describe them in the following ways. Authoritarian parents set high standards for their children and expect them to obey voice commands without question. Failure to comply results in punishment. Often there is little explanation, so the child rarely has to think for himself, leading to his maladjustment in society. Such high demands may lead the child to rebel, run away, or have suicidal thoughts. Psychologists do not recommend this way.
Authoritative parents are understanding and consistent. They set high demands but allow for extensive verbal give and take. Authoritative parents give consequences when children fail to act in mature ways, but the consequences are never arbitrary or violent. Often they forgive instead of punish and use the event as a teaching time. Authoritative parents guide their children to make their own decisions. Psychologists prefer this way.
Permissive parents have few behavioral expectations for their children. They tend to overindulge them and rescue them from self-inflicted failures. They are involved parents, but place few regulations on their children. Psychologists do not recommend this way.
Neglectful parents are disengaged from their children’s lives. They may provide food and shelter, but they do not provide affection and acceptation. Some neglectful parents are not involved at all in their children’s lives and thus provide no guidance. This is not the preferred way.
The problem with categorizing parenting styles this way is that it leaves out the biblical way. It also pressures Christians to fit their parenting into a methodology that the world accepts. Another problem with these categories is that the permissive parenting psychologists speak of is far too narrow because it fails to look at the issue biblically. Permissive parenting can be summed up in Proverbs 29:15. “The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.” The phrase left to himself says it all: left to his natural ways.
Permissiveness, therefore, is a style of parenting that allows a child to go in his natural direction. A child’s natural direction is sin. The Bible says that foolishness is bound in the heart of a child (Pro 22:15). Foolishness is not childishness or immaturity; it is perverseness, sin. And every child has it. The prophet Jeremiah said that the heart is deceitful above all and desperately wicked (Jer 17:9). The apostle Paul said that all have sinned and come short of the glory of God (Rom 6:23). Children need to be steered away from their natural devices, and God gave moms and dads the responsibility to do this.
Parents become permissive when their children display their natural sinful tendencies but fail to correct their children with both the rod and reproof. Two failures define permissiveness: a failure to give biblical discipline or a failure to give a biblical reproof, or both. Permissive parenting either does not deliver a biblical punishment that stops the child from going his natural direction, or it fails to deliver a biblical reproof that guides the child away from his natural direction, or both.
If we consider the biblical definition of permissiveness, I believe all of us are permissive in our parenting, either from time to time or characteristically. Two problems with permissiveness are that it does not glorify God and it harms the child. The only way for a child to have wisdom is to be guided away from his natural direction. The Bible says that the steady combination of the rod and reproof brings wisdom.
Parenting is the process in which mother and father proactively lead the child away from his natural direction of foolishness toward the righteous direction of voluntary obedience to the Word of God. Parenting is not raising a child to adulthood. True parenting is raising a child up in the way he should go so that when he is old he will not depart from it (cf. Pro 22:6). While both mother and father are to be involved in parenting, fathers have the greater responsibility to see that it occurs (cf. Eph 6:4). That means setting up standards for behavior in and out of the home. Children must know what it expected of them, otherwise discipline is not fair. Children also need to be taught what the right way is. They are constantly bombarded by the world, the flesh, and the devil to go the wrong way. Parents are obliged to teach their children the Bible to thoroughly familiarize them with the right way (cf. Dt 6:4-9). When children disobey, they need the disobedience pointed out. Children need to know that the act was wrong and that they were wrong for doing the act. They need to understand from the Bible what behavior God expects and how sinning displeases Him.
In addition to this, they need the rod—a spanking. They need to know that sin has consequences, and that the pain of the spanking exceeded the pleasure of the sinning. This two-pronged procedure is not popular today, but it is what the Bible teaches. It is parenting.
Dear Parents,
In our church’s Preaching Conference last week, several pastors taught about the ways society is turning away from God. The topic I covered was on parenting. Essentially, there are two approaches to child training: permissiveness and parenting. I hope these articles can help.
Pastor Sutton
Permissiveness vs. Parenting
The 1960s was home to turbulent times in the United States. Vietnam sparked numerous protests across the land as well as a great deal of destruction. The Beetles landed in North America and then went off the charts. At the end of the decade was Woodstock. Not much that entered the decade came out the same. Whether music, mini-skirts, illegal drugs, protests, or immorality, the common tie was an attack on authority. Who is going to be in charge? The sixties said “Me!” and this attitude affected parenting. The groupies of the 60s grew up to be parents of the 70s. Following that sequence, the “me” culture met the 80s. The rockers of the 80s became the relativists of the 90s and the 21st century. The mindsets we have come to believe as a society are “me first” and “no absolutes.” The relativism and moral decay of our culture has left its devastating imprint on parenting.
Mixing these two mindsets results in a disastrous formula for children because of how adults approach parenting. Essentially parents today desire to do what they want, and they disregard barriers that prevent themselves and their children from doing what they want. You see, who we are is how we parent; and what we believe is how we restrain. What comes out is permissiveness, not parenting, so much so that permissiveness characterizes the parenting style of our culture. Permissiveness results in apostasy—turning away from the truth.
Over the next several weeks, we will examine permissiveness in detail by considering what permissiveness looks like, where it came from , how it affects us, and how we change it. I would ask that each one of us consider as parents if we are being permissive with our children.
What Permissive Parenting Looks Like
A Profile of Permissive Parenting
All one has to do to get a sketch of permissive parenting is to look around at the way children behave today and the way parents deal with their children. Parents give warnings upon warnings, they justify misbehavior, they blame others for their children’s poor performance, they treat their children like prima donnas, they do not say no, and they rarely spank, if at all. They do, however, give time outs and try redirecting their child’s misbehavior. They react, but do not correct. They are more concerned with their child’s so called self-esteem than with his self-control. They focus on their child’s happiness. They reason with their child and try to understand his point of view. They protect their children from sadness, difficulty, and pressure. They talk of their child’s greatness and make him feel like he is the center of the universe. They want their children to like them. Their lives are wrapped up in their children, proven by their violation of Scripture in how they raise their children.
Permissiveness is child-centered parenting, not God-centered parenting. The irony is that permissive parents do not want to hear the truth about their children or about their parenting, neither do they take steps to correct their children according to the Bible.
Psychologists have categorized parenting styles into four groups—authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful. They describe them in the following ways. Authoritarian parents set high standards for their children and expect them to obey voice commands without question. Failure to comply results in punishment. Often there is little explanation, so the child rarely has to think for himself, leading to his maladjustment in society. Such high demands may lead the child to rebel, run away, or have suicidal thoughts. Psychologists do not recommend this way.
Authoritative parents are understanding and consistent. They set high demands but allow for extensive verbal give and take. Authoritative parents give consequences when children fail to act in mature ways, but the consequences are never arbitrary or violent. Often they forgive instead of punish and use the event as a teaching time. Authoritative parents guide their children to make their own decisions. Psychologists prefer this way.
Permissive parents have few behavioral expectations for their children. They tend to overindulge them and rescue them from self-inflicted failures. They are involved parents, but place few regulations on their children. Psychologists do not recommend this way.
Neglectful parents are disengaged from their children’s lives. They may provide food and shelter, but they do not provide affection and acceptation. Some neglectful parents are not involved at all in their children’s lives and thus provide no guidance. This is not the preferred way.
The problem with categorizing parenting styles this way is that it leaves out the biblical way. It also pressures Christians to fit their parenting into a methodology that the world accepts. Another problem with these categories is that the permissive parenting psychologists speak of is far too narrow because it fails to look at the issue biblically. Permissive parenting can be summed up in Proverbs 29:15. “The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.” The phrase left to himself says it all: left to his natural ways.
Permissiveness, therefore, is a style of parenting that allows a child to go in his natural direction. A child’s natural direction is sin. The Bible says that foolishness is bound in the heart of a child (Pro 22:15). Foolishness is not childishness or immaturity; it is perverseness, sin. And every child has it. The prophet Jeremiah said that the heart is deceitful above all and desperately wicked (Jer 17:9). The apostle Paul said that all have sinned and come short of the glory of God (Rom 6:23). Children need to be steered away from their natural devices, and God gave moms and dads the responsibility to do this.
Parents become permissive when their children display their natural sinful tendencies but fail to correct their children with both the rod and reproof. Two failures define permissiveness: a failure to give biblical discipline or a failure to give a biblical reproof, or both. Permissive parenting either does not deliver a biblical punishment that stops the child from going his natural direction, or it fails to deliver a biblical reproof that guides the child away from his natural direction, or both.
If we consider the biblical definition of permissiveness, I believe all of us are permissive in our parenting, either from time to time or characteristically. Two problems with permissiveness are that it does not glorify God and it harms the child. The only way for a child to have wisdom is to be guided away from his natural direction. The Bible says that the steady combination of the rod and reproof brings wisdom.
Parenting is the process in which mother and father proactively lead the child away from his natural direction of foolishness toward the righteous direction of voluntary obedience to the Word of God. Parenting is not raising a child to adulthood. True parenting is raising a child up in the way he should go so that when he is old he will not depart from it (cf. Pro 22:6). While both mother and father are to be involved in parenting, fathers have the greater responsibility to see that it occurs (cf. Eph 6:4). That means setting up standards for behavior in and out of the home. Children must know what it expected of them, otherwise discipline is not fair. Children also need to be taught what the right way is. They are constantly bombarded by the world, the flesh, and the devil to go the wrong way. Parents are obliged to teach their children the Bible to thoroughly familiarize them with the right way (cf. Dt 6:4-9). When children disobey, they need the disobedience pointed out. Children need to know that the act was wrong and that they were wrong for doing the act. They need to understand from the Bible what behavior God expects and how sinning displeases Him.
In addition to this, they need the rod—a spanking. They need to know that sin has consequences, and that the pain of the spanking exceeded the pleasure of the sinning. This two-pronged procedure is not popular today, but it is what the Bible teaches. It is parenting.